Points to Ponder
Experts agree that children, even very young, should not be shielded from the death of a loved one. They have the capacity torecognize death as an event and the curiosity to ask questions about it. The general advice is to talk the child simply and truthfully about the death in an age-appropriate manner.
Ask questions to determine what the child already knows about the situation. It’s important to avoid giving answers that might confuse or frighten the child, such as “grandma is sleeping and isn’t going to wake up.” Although these phrases are meant to be comforting, the child could interpret it too literally and, for example, be too scared to go to sleep for the fear of the same thing happening to them. Instead, trying saying something like “grandma’s heart got too tired and stopped working, so she died.”
Allow the child to ask questions but do not put pressure on them to respond. Older children may comprehend the finality of death more fully which could prompt them to ask abstract questions such as issues of faith, the meaning of life, etc. For any age group, stick with the simple and truthful answer in terms the child can understand.
Ages 2 to 7
Up to seven years of age, children see death mainly as a separation event. This can cause them to feel abandoned or scared and not want to be left alone. This may make them not want to sleep alone at night or go to school.
Because children this young are usually not able to verbally express all of their feelings, they may “act out” instead. This could be through behaviors like tempter tantrums, refusing to obey adults, creating an imaginary friend, eating problems, bedwetting, or others.
Ages 7 to 12
Children in this age group have begun to understand death as a permanent event. They may regard death as a more personal threat to their individual safety, develop a fear of dying themselves, or resort to “preventive” behaviors to “protect” themselves from death, such as aligning themselves with someone they think can protect them or focusing on being more “brave” or “good.” Others may just withdraw socially or emotionally from others.
Other problems that could come up may include concentrating on schoolwork, trouble following direction, and difficulty performing daily tasks.
Teens
While teenagers understand and perceive death similarly to adults, they may express their grief differently. They may react in more dramatic ways or display reckless behaviors in an attempt to “defy” death. Reckless driving, smoking, drinking alcohol or taking illegal drugs may all be forms of acting out their anxieties and feelings of grief.
It’s important to be aware of changes you may see in your child’s behavior. If you feel they may be in danger, you should seek professional counseling.
Thoughts of suicide may come up for a teen that is having trouble processing the loss. Warning signs of suicide in children and teens might include a preoccupation with death, having thoughts or openly talking about suicide, or giving away personal belongings.
